Tuesday, June 09, 2009

17th entry - A trip down memory lane

This is the second day of my breakup with S, and I am more stable emotionally to reminisce the wonderful memories of the past 3 years that we spent together. Regardless of whether S had been sincere or not, in order to preserve the beauty of those memories, I am writing on the assumption that the love we had was real and sincere.

How did we start in the first place? After a few dates, I assessed that S's character is full of good "C" attributes: caring, considerate (thoughtful), careful (meticulous), conscientious, committed, "cultured", calm (he can remain composed even under the most life-threatening circumstances), confident and courageous. He is also pragmatic and down to earth. When S asked me whether we could be a couple, I agreed even though we only knew each other for a relatively short period of time.

S was in many ways a caring lover - in fact he was the best lover I had so far. When I fell ill, he came all the way to visit me (even when I was suffering from chickenpox it did not deter him), and on many other occasions he even brought me dessert soup and herbal tea that he spent hours preparing. Back then, he was staying a good distance from my house - 45 minutes by train to be precise. Everyday he will ask about me, how is my day, did I sleep well, what did I eat... and on weekends when we are supposed to meet he will ask me what I would like to do, etc. Whenever we went dining out, he will ask me what I want to eat, etc. Even when making love, S would ask me whether the position was comfortable, and he was always worried that I would be too tired etc.

I was happiest during the first 6 months of our relationship. I guess it was our "honeymoon" period. We revelled in each other's company, and frequently talked about how we were going to spend the rest of our lives together, with our stuffed animals as our children. We exchanged greeting
cards and love letters, declaring our affection for and devotion to each
other. We shared about our past, and discovered new and exciting things
about each other.

Of course, no relationship is "perfect" without any hiccups. A few weeks
into our relationship, S shouted fiercely at me over a very small matter
that displeased him, and I remembered sobbing the whole night and wishing I
never went over to his place. Being afraid he would know, I went to the
living room and tried unsuccessfully to sleep, but the tears kept rolling
down uncontrollably. Just when I thought he would just continue to sleep
soundly in his room and that the sun would never come up, he found me on
the sofa and urged me to return to the room to sleep. I cant remember how
we patched up after that, but on hindsight this should have prepared me for
more sad moments to come. Love is blind, and I kept giving him chances. One
thing I never learnt to tame was S's explosive hot and quick temper.

There were other happy occasions that made the relationship bearable, but
these were often speckled with bits of unhappiness, which started from a minor matter that caused S displeasure. For instance, whenever we were having a meal together, I would naturally want to pick food for him, but he hated it so much that he would glare at me or shout at me. We never saw eye to eye on anything - either I would relent or he would go along with me. The biggest issue we had was about sex. S initially told me that he could love me without any physical intimacy with me, and that we could have a relationship without sex. Later he told me that actually its because he could not stick to one partner, and he was in fact meeting several other men for sex, and he didnt want to spread any disease to me. He felt that an "open relationship" could work. I disagreed: I could not imagine how we could be emotionally bonded in a relationship and not having any physical intimacy together, and yet having sex with different partners outside of the relationship. It would be no different than a twisted kind of friendship.

S envisioned the scenario that he would be living with a group of friends like this when he grew old, and everyone would take care of each other in a sort of commune. I guess this comes from the fact that he never had a close-knit family, and he was out staying among friends since he was a teenager. On the other hand, I was looking forward to growing old with only one person - my most beloved - holding his hand and looking at each sunrise and sunset while strolling down a beach, washing one another's dentures every morning and night, helping one another to bathe, cooking meals together. The physical intimacy in our youth would serve as a cementing bond between us, together with other little acts of love for each other, done with sincerity and tenderness. With such vast differences in thinking, our separation was inevitable. Perhaps it was best that the inevitable came earlier than later.

On my favourite US TV programme, Boston Legal, a tune that I was familiar with since I was a teenager coindentally surfaced - Que Sera Sera by Doris Day. How apt in my case!

Monday, June 08, 2009

16th entry - Post Mortem

Although I had been through a few failed relationships, this is the first time that I felt the need to "formalise" my internal closure via a "post-mortem" (PM) on the relationship. I'm thinking that it will help me get over the relationship and assess what I have done well and what I can improve. To give a more "objective" view, ideally I should involve my partner, S, in the process of performing the PM but given my knowledge of S, he will think it a complete waste of time. Hence, I decided to target my assessment at the relationship rather than at the persons involved, although at the end of the day it is still a subjective assessment.

As of today, 8 Jun 2009, S and I would have been together for 3 years and 4 months exactly. Technically the breakup took effect on 7 Jun 2009, when he read the "Letter of Termination" that I had emailed to him in the morning. My emotions at this point are that of disappointment, sadness, bitterness, a sense of resignation and regret - these are expected to interfere with my assessment of the relationship.

I will attempt to examine 5 aspects of our relationship in this PM:
1) What I liked about the relationship
2) What I disliked about the relationship
3) What we did well in this relationship
4) What we could improve on in future
5) What lies ahead (immediate and distant future)

My Likes
I enjoyed the healthy shared activities that S and I engaged in together - eating at good food places such as Siam Kitchen and some neighbourhood hawker food; going on bargain hunting shopping sprees e.g. dietary supplement road shows and food fairs; traveling to KL, Bangkok and Phuket; spending weekends watching TV and cooking at home; having weekend getaways at hotels offering promotional rates; and going to spas for facials and massages. S's sharing with me the stories of his travels and life experiences also made me feel happy because I was interested in his past as much as his present and future. I like the time we stayed together in a rented room, battling bed bugs and cockroaches, feeding the landlord's pet chinchillas and observing our monthly anniversaries with small celebrations.

My Dislikes
The relationship was at times emotionally abusive. S has an explosive temper, which he showed from time to time, and liked to raise his voice at me, whenever I did little things that displeased him e.g. picking food for him when we are having lunch together. S often admonishes me for what he perceives to be "foolishness", without bothering about my feelings. S and I differed significantly on many things e.g. from our tastes in food, our taste in clothing, to our perspectives on love and relationships and about life in general. Sometimes I wondered how we could have become a couple in the first place when we were fundamentally so different and incompatible. As a result, we tended to compromise on many things, and this made both of us very unhappy throughout our relationship. I dont know about S, but the only thing that kept me going in spite of our differences and unhappiness was the belief that Love will Conquer All, which I only realise now is a cliche for impractical romantics.

What we did well
I tried my best to be accommodating, understanding and tender towards S. I think S tried his best to be patient, level-headed and caring towards me. I tried means and ways to make our relationship a happier one, by doing little favours for S (especially when he was studying for a course related to his occupation) and giving him little tokens of affection that he told me he appreciated. S also did the same for me. We chatted everyday, although sometimes there was nothing much to talk about or because S didnt feel like sharing (to me). We complimented one another on areas that we were weaker in.

What we could do better
I should learn to listen more and be more attentive to my partner's needs - what is spoken and what is unsaid. I should be more assertive in articulating my views instead of letting my partner lead in the relationship all the time. S should open up and share more candidly with his partner in a way that still shows his love and concern. S should learn to trust and respect his partner more.

In the horizon
In the immediate term, I will still meet up with S over some administrative matters. I will be occupied with work, catching up with friends and spending time engaged in my latest hobbies and distractions. In the longer term, I will be looking for a new partner who is hopefully more compatible and appreciates me more. It will not be an easy search, but I think I shall enjoy the search process more than the end-result. Its been a while since I dated anyone new, and I shall enjoy every moment of my "single and available" status.

Sunday, June 07, 2009

15th entry - A breakup

Just like the relationships I had before, I thought the one with S will last... Unfortunately it was my wishful thinking.

I saw it coming, when our intimacy became non-existent. In the last half a year, our phone calls became part of a routine, and sometimes even an annoyance. Whenever we met up on weekends, there would hardly be any tenderness. S told me it was part of a duty, an obligation, a carrying-out of responsibility, and S said that this was an expression of "love" - why else do something for me and not anybody else.

Truth is, I dont know who else S has been showing the "love" to. S told me that in the last half a year, S found several partners to have sex with. Some of the partners were even total strangers (ONS) and random encounters, and it didnt matter if the partner was totally not attractive. Such partners were able to fulfill S's sexual needs better than I could.

I was heartbroken and disappointed and angry. Even if S was acting all this time, I could not have known. S told me once that I was "S-T-U-P-I-D"... S could not have been more right.

Actually I am partly to blame too. About 1 year plus ago I confessed my betrayal to S. It was a ONS with S's friend. Back then, I thought S accepted my apology and forgave me. I thought we moved on and our "love" grew deeper. Now I know its all a big farce. I was really "S-T-U-P-I-D" to think that anyone could be generous enough to accept a betrayal.

Anyway, its over, and I'm glad I have enough experience of such things to know that time will heal my wounds.

(S, if you ever read this, know that I dont blame you for what you did, because I am no better (or maybe worse). The best thing you could have done, which you did, was to tell me now rather than later, and wake me up from my "S-T-U-P-I-D" dream earlier. All the best to you, and may you continue to find joy in your many many partners to come. And I mean it from the bottom of my heart.)