17th entry - A trip down memory lane
This is the second day of my breakup with S, and I am more stable emotionally to reminisce the wonderful memories of the past 3 years that we spent together. Regardless of whether S had been sincere or not, in order to preserve the beauty of those memories, I am writing on the assumption that the love we had was real and sincere.
How did we start in the first place? After a few dates, I assessed that S's character is full of good "C" attributes: caring, considerate (thoughtful), careful (meticulous), conscientious, committed, "cultured", calm (he can remain composed even under the most life-threatening circumstances), confident and courageous. He is also pragmatic and down to earth. When S asked me whether we could be a couple, I agreed even though we only knew each other for a relatively short period of time.
S was in many ways a caring lover - in fact he was the best lover I had so far. When I fell ill, he came all the way to visit me (even when I was suffering from chickenpox it did not deter him), and on many other occasions he even brought me dessert soup and herbal tea that he spent hours preparing. Back then, he was staying a good distance from my house - 45 minutes by train to be precise. Everyday he will ask about me, how is my day, did I sleep well, what did I eat... and on weekends when we are supposed to meet he will ask me what I would like to do, etc. Whenever we went dining out, he will ask me what I want to eat, etc. Even when making love, S would ask me whether the position was comfortable, and he was always worried that I would be too tired etc.
I was happiest during the first 6 months of our relationship. I guess it was our "honeymoon" period. We revelled in each other's company, and frequently talked about how we were going to spend the rest of our lives together, with our stuffed animals as our children. We exchanged greeting
cards and love letters, declaring our affection for and devotion to each
other. We shared about our past, and discovered new and exciting things
about each other.
Of course, no relationship is "perfect" without any hiccups. A few weeks
into our relationship, S shouted fiercely at me over a very small matter
that displeased him, and I remembered sobbing the whole night and wishing I
never went over to his place. Being afraid he would know, I went to the
living room and tried unsuccessfully to sleep, but the tears kept rolling
down uncontrollably. Just when I thought he would just continue to sleep
soundly in his room and that the sun would never come up, he found me on
the sofa and urged me to return to the room to sleep. I cant remember how
we patched up after that, but on hindsight this should have prepared me for
more sad moments to come. Love is blind, and I kept giving him chances. One
thing I never learnt to tame was S's explosive hot and quick temper.
There were other happy occasions that made the relationship bearable, but
these were often speckled with bits of unhappiness, which started from a minor matter that caused S displeasure. For instance, whenever we were having a meal together, I would naturally want to pick food for him, but he hated it so much that he would glare at me or shout at me. We never saw eye to eye on anything - either I would relent or he would go along with me. The biggest issue we had was about sex. S initially told me that he could love me without any physical intimacy with me, and that we could have a relationship without sex. Later he told me that actually its because he could not stick to one partner, and he was in fact meeting several other men for sex, and he didnt want to spread any disease to me. He felt that an "open relationship" could work. I disagreed: I could not imagine how we could be emotionally bonded in a relationship and not having any physical intimacy together, and yet having sex with different partners outside of the relationship. It would be no different than a twisted kind of friendship.
S envisioned the scenario that he would be living with a group of friends like this when he grew old, and everyone would take care of each other in a sort of commune. I guess this comes from the fact that he never had a close-knit family, and he was out staying among friends since he was a teenager. On the other hand, I was looking forward to growing old with only one person - my most beloved - holding his hand and looking at each sunrise and sunset while strolling down a beach, washing one another's dentures every morning and night, helping one another to bathe, cooking meals together. The physical intimacy in our youth would serve as a cementing bond between us, together with other little acts of love for each other, done with sincerity and tenderness. With such vast differences in thinking, our separation was inevitable. Perhaps it was best that the inevitable came earlier than later.
On my favourite US TV programme, Boston Legal, a tune that I was familiar with since I was a teenager coindentally surfaced - Que Sera Sera by Doris Day. How apt in my case!
How did we start in the first place? After a few dates, I assessed that S's character is full of good "C" attributes: caring, considerate (thoughtful), careful (meticulous), conscientious, committed, "cultured", calm (he can remain composed even under the most life-threatening circumstances), confident and courageous. He is also pragmatic and down to earth. When S asked me whether we could be a couple, I agreed even though we only knew each other for a relatively short period of time.
S was in many ways a caring lover - in fact he was the best lover I had so far. When I fell ill, he came all the way to visit me (even when I was suffering from chickenpox it did not deter him), and on many other occasions he even brought me dessert soup and herbal tea that he spent hours preparing. Back then, he was staying a good distance from my house - 45 minutes by train to be precise. Everyday he will ask about me, how is my day, did I sleep well, what did I eat... and on weekends when we are supposed to meet he will ask me what I would like to do, etc. Whenever we went dining out, he will ask me what I want to eat, etc. Even when making love, S would ask me whether the position was comfortable, and he was always worried that I would be too tired etc.
I was happiest during the first 6 months of our relationship. I guess it was our "honeymoon" period. We revelled in each other's company, and frequently talked about how we were going to spend the rest of our lives together, with our stuffed animals as our children. We exchanged greeting
cards and love letters, declaring our affection for and devotion to each
other. We shared about our past, and discovered new and exciting things
about each other.
Of course, no relationship is "perfect" without any hiccups. A few weeks
into our relationship, S shouted fiercely at me over a very small matter
that displeased him, and I remembered sobbing the whole night and wishing I
never went over to his place. Being afraid he would know, I went to the
living room and tried unsuccessfully to sleep, but the tears kept rolling
down uncontrollably. Just when I thought he would just continue to sleep
soundly in his room and that the sun would never come up, he found me on
the sofa and urged me to return to the room to sleep. I cant remember how
we patched up after that, but on hindsight this should have prepared me for
more sad moments to come. Love is blind, and I kept giving him chances. One
thing I never learnt to tame was S's explosive hot and quick temper.
There were other happy occasions that made the relationship bearable, but
these were often speckled with bits of unhappiness, which started from a minor matter that caused S displeasure. For instance, whenever we were having a meal together, I would naturally want to pick food for him, but he hated it so much that he would glare at me or shout at me. We never saw eye to eye on anything - either I would relent or he would go along with me. The biggest issue we had was about sex. S initially told me that he could love me without any physical intimacy with me, and that we could have a relationship without sex. Later he told me that actually its because he could not stick to one partner, and he was in fact meeting several other men for sex, and he didnt want to spread any disease to me. He felt that an "open relationship" could work. I disagreed: I could not imagine how we could be emotionally bonded in a relationship and not having any physical intimacy together, and yet having sex with different partners outside of the relationship. It would be no different than a twisted kind of friendship.
S envisioned the scenario that he would be living with a group of friends like this when he grew old, and everyone would take care of each other in a sort of commune. I guess this comes from the fact that he never had a close-knit family, and he was out staying among friends since he was a teenager. On the other hand, I was looking forward to growing old with only one person - my most beloved - holding his hand and looking at each sunrise and sunset while strolling down a beach, washing one another's dentures every morning and night, helping one another to bathe, cooking meals together. The physical intimacy in our youth would serve as a cementing bond between us, together with other little acts of love for each other, done with sincerity and tenderness. With such vast differences in thinking, our separation was inevitable. Perhaps it was best that the inevitable came earlier than later.
On my favourite US TV programme, Boston Legal, a tune that I was familiar with since I was a teenager coindentally surfaced - Que Sera Sera by Doris Day. How apt in my case!
posted by sunshine wallflower at 4:47 PM
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