16th entry - Post Mortem

Although I had been through a few failed relationships, this is the first time that I felt the need to "formalise" my internal closure via a "post-mortem" (PM) on the relationship. I'm thinking that it will help me get over the relationship and assess what I have done well and what I can improve. To give a more "objective" view, ideally I should involve my partner, S, in the process of performing the PM but given my knowledge of S, he will think it a complete waste of time. Hence, I decided to target my assessment at the relationship rather than at the persons involved, although at the end of the day it is still a subjective assessment.

As of today, 8 Jun 2009, S and I would have been together for 3 years and 4 months exactly. Technically the breakup took effect on 7 Jun 2009, when he read the "Letter of Termination" that I had emailed to him in the morning. My emotions at this point are that of disappointment, sadness, bitterness, a sense of resignation and regret - these are expected to interfere with my assessment of the relationship.

I will attempt to examine 5 aspects of our relationship in this PM:
1) What I liked about the relationship
2) What I disliked about the relationship
3) What we did well in this relationship
4) What we could improve on in future
5) What lies ahead (immediate and distant future)

My Likes
I enjoyed the healthy shared activities that S and I engaged in together - eating at good food places such as Siam Kitchen and some neighbourhood hawker food; going on bargain hunting shopping sprees e.g. dietary supplement road shows and food fairs; traveling to KL, Bangkok and Phuket; spending weekends watching TV and cooking at home; having weekend getaways at hotels offering promotional rates; and going to spas for facials and massages. S's sharing with me the stories of his travels and life experiences also made me feel happy because I was interested in his past as much as his present and future. I like the time we stayed together in a rented room, battling bed bugs and cockroaches, feeding the landlord's pet chinchillas and observing our monthly anniversaries with small celebrations.

My Dislikes
The relationship was at times emotionally abusive. S has an explosive temper, which he showed from time to time, and liked to raise his voice at me, whenever I did little things that displeased him e.g. picking food for him when we are having lunch together. S often admonishes me for what he perceives to be "foolishness", without bothering about my feelings. S and I differed significantly on many things e.g. from our tastes in food, our taste in clothing, to our perspectives on love and relationships and about life in general. Sometimes I wondered how we could have become a couple in the first place when we were fundamentally so different and incompatible. As a result, we tended to compromise on many things, and this made both of us very unhappy throughout our relationship. I dont know about S, but the only thing that kept me going in spite of our differences and unhappiness was the belief that Love will Conquer All, which I only realise now is a cliche for impractical romantics.

What we did well
I tried my best to be accommodating, understanding and tender towards S. I think S tried his best to be patient, level-headed and caring towards me. I tried means and ways to make our relationship a happier one, by doing little favours for S (especially when he was studying for a course related to his occupation) and giving him little tokens of affection that he told me he appreciated. S also did the same for me. We chatted everyday, although sometimes there was nothing much to talk about or because S didnt feel like sharing (to me). We complimented one another on areas that we were weaker in.

What we could do better
I should learn to listen more and be more attentive to my partner's needs - what is spoken and what is unsaid. I should be more assertive in articulating my views instead of letting my partner lead in the relationship all the time. S should open up and share more candidly with his partner in a way that still shows his love and concern. S should learn to trust and respect his partner more.

In the horizon
In the immediate term, I will still meet up with S over some administrative matters. I will be occupied with work, catching up with friends and spending time engaged in my latest hobbies and distractions. In the longer term, I will be looking for a new partner who is hopefully more compatible and appreciates me more. It will not be an easy search, but I think I shall enjoy the search process more than the end-result. Its been a while since I dated anyone new, and I shall enjoy every moment of my "single and available" status.