25th entry - Reflections of 2009

2009 has been a year of Change.

In April I started work in a different office, with new colleagues and bosses and in a different environment. My job scope was very different from those of my previous postings, but in a way it leveraged on all the skills, experience and knowledge that I had accumulated thus far, and I was glad I had a lot of opportunity to learn and grow and develop.

In June, I broke up with S, my partner of 3 years, and I plunged into a period of loss and hopelessness. Fortunately, a brief retreat to Tioman Island allowed me to recover my strength and optimism, and gave me courage to seek new relationships. In August, I met H, who is in many ways better than S, and my life was filled with renewed joy and hope.

In November, my involvement in APEC widened my horizons and allowed me to nurture new abilities, which were useful in a major project that I had to be in charge of in the following month. In the midst of trying to cope with the sudden spike in my workload, I had to grapple with a change in my immediate boss and the distinct management style that my new boss had, but in some ways it was better for me.

Of course, some things didnt change. One was the fact that I was still lacking in a sense of urgency and weak in time management. Another was my passion with food.

Overall, 2009 was an eventful and challenging year for me. At work, I'm hopeful that 2010 will be a quieter year, but with many of my work projects due, plus a major change in the senior management within my organization taking place in Jan, I doubt that I will get my wish.

For my relationship with H, I hope that I will gain a deeper understanding of H and our relationship will grow even deeper and stronger. I'm very optimistic because so far H is giving me positive vibes, and openness in our communication helps to foster mutual understanding and build trust between us. We are learning to accept each other for who we are, including our colorful histories, and we will strive to make our relationship work.

In terms of family, I feel blessed that my parents have been and will always be there to provide emotional support, and I hope to continue being a blessing to them as well. It isnt easy to maintain a harmonious and loving relationship with my parents, and occasional friction is inevitable (familiarity breeds contempt), but its satisfying to somehow manage to sort out our misunderstandings and grievances at the end of the day and provide each other with mutual positive affirmation and assurance.

24th entry - Romancing the Stars

When I was in my teens I was drawn to all sorts of mystical stuff and religion, full of curiosity about the unknown and paranormal, and less skeptical about things that I read about in books. I used to read a lot of fantasy books and adventure stories, day-dreaming and wishing that I could embark on some adventures of my own.

I was a particularly avid believer of astrology, delving into books on what the star signs mean and even learning how to draw up star charts and interpret them. When I began to lean towards mainstream Christianity in my beliefs, I began to distant myself from astrology, as it was considered a form of "witchcraft" by the puritanical Christian community. My desire to live an "good Christian life", coupled with my disillusionment with "horoscope", which appeared to be unsatisfactory generic predictions about events in life and relationships, resulted in the rejection of all forms divinity, including astrology.

On the other hand, the love of my life, H, is quite into astrology.

H is a Pisces - supposedly mysterious and alluring, extremely talented, sensitive and tend to fantasize but often get disillusioned with reality. While these traits are coincidentally found in H, I am hesitant to believe everything that is generalised about a person based on their "star sign". Nonetheless, I noticed that H is indeed a Pisces who "often need to take lots of holidays (or time off) to recover from life's many diverse pressures" (from psychicguild.com), and this also means I need to give H more emotional support and personal space.

Whatever is said in general about a particular "star sign", one has to take with a pinch of salt. How an individual is brought up and socialised will have a greater impact on the innate personality traits associated with the "star sign". As for me, I am having the opportunity of a lifetime to learn how to love and care for my sweet Pisces...

23rd entry - Celtic Music

Some pieces of celtic music have a surreal, enchanting and mysterious quality. Its unlike anything I've ever heard before and yet sounds so familiar - as if I heard them in a dream. I feel that celtic music seem to be a fusion of ethnic oriental (indian/arabic) and western religious (gregorian chanting) music (especially the drumbeat and rhythm, as well as the flute). Celtic songs have been used in the epic movie, Lord of the Rings - they can even pass off as songs from an imaginary, fantasy world.

I like many of Loreena McKennitt and Enya's songs. They are quite well-known artistes whose music are inspired by the celts.

Two of my favourite songs of McKennitt's are "The Mystic's Dream":


...and "All Souls Night" which was also sung by Chyi Yu, another one of my favourite artistes from Taiwan:


I've loved Enya's timeless music since I was in school... Many films and documentaries use her songs as theme or background music. My favourite are Book of Days:



... and China Roses



The lyrics dont seem to make any sense to me but are interestingly poetic...
E.g. The Mystic's Dream:

A clouded dream on an earthly night
Hangs upon the crescent moon
A voiceless song in an ageless light
Sings at the coming dawn
Birds in flight are calling there
where the heart moves the stones
there that my heart is longing for
All for, for the love of you

A painting hangs on an ivy wall
Nestled in the emerald moss
The eyes declare a truce of trust
then it draws me far away
deep in the desert twilight
Sand melts in pools of the sky
darkness lays her crimson cloak
lamps will call, call me home

And so it's there my homage's due
Clutched by the still of the night
now I feel, feel you move
And every breath, breath is full
So it's there my homage's due
Clutched by the still of the night
Even the distance feels so near
All for, for the love of you

A clouded dream on an earthly night
Hangs upon the crescent moon
A voiceless song in an ageless light
Sings at the coming dawn
Birds in flight are calling there
Where the heart moves the stones
there that my heart is longing for
All for, for the love of you

... and All Souls Night lyrics:

Bonfires dot the rolling hillsides
Figures dance around and around
To drums that pulse out echoes of darkness
Moving to the pagan sound.

Somewhere in a hidden memory
Images float before my eyes
Of fragrant nights of straw and of bonfires
Dancing 'til the next sunrise.

CHORUS:
I can see the lights in the distance
Trembling in the dark cloak of night
Candles and lanterns are dancing, dancing
A waltz on All...All Souls Night.

Figures of cornstalks bend in the shadows
Held up tall as the flames leap high
The Green Knight holds the holly bush
To mark where the Old Year passes by.

CHORUS

Bonfires dot the rolling hillsides
Figures dance around and around
To drums that pulse out echoes of darkness
Moving to the pagan sound.

Standing on the bridge that crosses
The river that goes out to the sea
The wind is full of a thousand voices
They pass by the bridge and me.

CHORUS TWICE

Another characteristic is that sometimes we cant really make out what they are singing unless we read the words of their lyrics. E.g. Book of Days:

One day, one night, one moment,
my dreams could be, tomorrow.
One step, one fall, one falter,
east or west, over earth or by ocean.
One way to be my journey,
this way could be my Book of Days.

Ó lá go lá, mo thuras,
an bealach fada romham.
Ó oíche go hoíche, mo thuras,
na scéalta nach mbeidh a choích.

No day, no night, no moment,
can hold me back from trying.
One flag, One fall, One falter,
I'll find my day may be, Far and Away.
Far and Away.

One day, one night, one moment,
with a dream to believe in.
One step, one fall, one falter,
find a new earth across a wide ocean.
This way became my journey,
this day ends together, Far and Away.
This day ends together, Far and Away.
Far and Away.


... China Roses lyrics:

Who can tell me if we have heaven,
who can say the way it should be;
Moonlight holly, the Sappho Comet,
Angel's tears below a tree.

You talk of the break of morning
as you view the new aurora,
Cloud in crimson, the key of heaven,
one love carved in acajou.

One told me of China Roses,
One a Thousand nights and one night,
Earth's last picture, the end of evening:
hue of indigo and blue.

A new moon leads me to
woods of dreams and I follow.
A new world waits for me;
my dream, my way.

I know that if I have heaven
there is nothing to desire.
Rain and river, a world of wonder
may be paradise to me.

I see the sun.
I see the stars.

22nd entry - Another milestone

Today, another important milestone in my relationship with H was reached. What we had initially planned to be a date at the Singapore National Museum, had at the last minute became a "meet the parents" session in which both of us had afternoon buffet hi-tea at the Marriott Cafe with my mum.

I imagined how nervous and stressed out H must have been throughout the afternoon, especially considering that H knows how protective and sharp my mum is. Although I had checked with H whether H was comfortable with meeting my mum, I knew H would still be in a sort of dilemma, and it still took a lot of courage to go through it. For this, I love H even more.

H did really well. My mum was also in her best behaviour. I'm so grateful to God that the initial meeting turned out as well as it could have been, and it augured well for us because it meant my mum assessed that H is "safe" for me to go out with. Whether she liked for my relationship with H to develop is another more complex matter, but at least she has less reason to object to me seeing H.

Which is a very good thing, because I have come to be really fond of H. Ever since we became "exclusive" and then "official" as a couple, I am increasingly more and more in love with H. Not only do I enjoy H's company, but I also find that H and I are much more compatible than those I had dated in the past. H is mature and wise yet playful and cheeky in an adorable way; H is understanding and flexible for many things yet firm and uncompromising when it comes to things that mattered such as principles; H is practical and down to earth, but dares to dream and has ambitions; H takes control and initiatives in a sensible way, but also lets me take the wheel sometimes. All in all, we are achieving a sort of balance in our relationship which promotes healthy positve development.

I'm quite optimistic about how my relationship with H will develop. Of course, in life we can never be sure about what lies ahead, but I'm sure about how my heart feels about H and from what H tells me, my feelings are reciprocated.

21st entry - Alanis Morissette MTVs

In the 1990s, when I was serving national service, I used to listen to Jagged Little Pill on the long bus journey way to camp in the mornings and evenings when going home. Her songs make me ponder at the way my life was going, especially when everything is going hay-wired... And I'd be thinking to myself - what the f**k did I do wrong this time?!

I love the song Ironic...



Basically, it tells me not to be too disappointed or bitter when things dun turn out in life the way they oughta. And her song Hand in my pocket tells me, Hey, its ok! Be happy! :-) in spite of everything, just be happy...



... and when I have calmed down, I listen to the wise advice in You Learn...



Gosh i miss those songs... so nostalgic to listen to them again after 10 years!!!

20th entry - Finding Someone to Love - Again

After going through the heartache of a breakup only a few months ago, and experiencing 3 failed long-term relationships, I didnt expect to find the courage to start looking for someone to fall in love with - at least, not so soon. The fear of going through the same cycle of courtship, going steady, encountering problems, and finally breaking up, is rather daunting for me.

In life, I've come to expect the unexpected... and yes, I found someone to love - again.

About a month and a half ago, I started "dating". It was more with the objective of getting myself a distraction to overcome the loneliness and emptiness within me, arising from the breakup. I thought, well, if I do find someone who may be compatible, then good, if not, then the dating process itself gives me something to look forward to on weekends. Besides, I had no lack of distractions - re-igniting my passion for watercolor, re-engaging in my routine of swimming and jogging on alternate days, hanging out with friends I care about and whom I am close to, and discovering new interests like cooking as a group and trying recipes that I've never tried before. In short, I didnt consider myself to be "desperately seeking".

Two close friends of mine introduced me to 2 of their friends, and we went on group dates. Initially it was really awkward for me to be dating someone again. I didnt know what to do, and my self confidence was totally absent. Both my dates turned out to be uninterested in me, but fortunately one of them is now someone I consider to be a friend (at least we still keep in touch). Although my friends tell me to take it easy - you wont find someone so easily, etc - I was a little demoralized and concerned about my "market value" depreciating day by day, and even fearful that I would end up being single for the rest of my life.

One day, I decided to put up a personal ad, hoping to meet some nice people who may turn out to be someone I would fall in love with. The ad was simple and specific, and to avoid attracting people who were only going for certain types of looks, etc I included a recent photo of myself. Soon, replies came in, and I excitedly corresponded with those who responded to it. I was thrilled that most of the people who responded all seemed really serious about having a real long-term relationship with someone like me (based on what I described). Eventually, I chatted with some of them and arranged to meet them. I was terribly nervous at first. To make matters worse, I injured my ankle from jogging and it restricted my mobility. Yet in spite of all this, I managed to have an amazing time!

One of my dates, H, turned out to be the most compatible with me among the rest, and we began dating seriously. I was initially determined to let nature take its course with regard to the pace at which our relationship was developing. In the past, I guess I was too eager to "make things work" with my ex-es too early in the relationships and ended up ignoring a lot of warning signs that the relationships could not work out. While I know that its usually very difficult to find "a perfect fit" and effort needs to be put in to make relationships work, I discovered from past experience that if the differences between 2 people are too great, the strains in the relationship will inevitably lead to a breakup. So, I told myself - take it easy! kekekekee.....

Yet, as Alanis Morisette sings in You Learn (1995), life has a funny way of sneaking up on you... hehehhee........


On our first date, H and I hit it off really well. We spent a whole afternoon together at the Botanical Gardens, serenaded by the beauty of nature while enjoying a romantic picnic. In the evening, we made love for the first time, and it was magical! A few days later we went on our 2nd date, and decided to travel to Bangkok together in the following week. It was either a "Make It" or "Break It", and thankfully, the trip turned out to be fabulous (at least for me)! It was much more pleasurable for me than the past two Bangkok trips that Ive had. After the trip, H and I decided to date each other exclusively.

I'm excited about what the future holds for me and H. Even though life can be unexpected and many things can go wrong, I'm grateful to the Lord Almighty for the chance to meet someone who I can and want to learn to love, and cherish. Already, I know my heart is falling for H, and I already perceive H to be someone I can spend the rest of my life with. H has many qualities that are desirable and hard to come by, and the chemistry that we have is incredible considering the short time that we have known one another. H is also reciprocative towards me, and I think we are progressing at a comfortable pace together.

Well - who knows what the future will hold for us? Only God knows... que sera sera... and whatever happens, I will learn something from it, I guess.

H is a big fan of Josh Groban, and this is one of the best you-tube recordings that I've found so far. Ti amore ... this is for you!

19th entry - 2 nice anime theme songs

I was in the mood for some "feel good" music and chanced upon these 2 cool theme songs. The first is from one of my favourite anime, D-Grayman. Its the ending theme song for the 8th series/season (not too sure also). Thanks to the wonderful person who uploaded the song to you-tube!!! What I like about it is the uplifting quality of the melody, and superb vocals of the female singer Stephanie (which blends rather harmoniously with the male voice).



The second is from an anime that I would love to watch because the visuals are so appealing. Its dark but cute at the same time, and less gory than the vampire anime I've seen. The lead character reminds me of Morrigan, a female vampire in Marvel vs Capcom (an arcade game that I was crazy about 10 years ago when I was still schooling...).



Some pictures of Morrigan ... she's old but she's HOT!!! Wish i were like her ...

18th post - An end and a new beginning

"When one door closes on you, another door opens for you."

Three weeks after the end of my relationship with Sam, I made some new friends and got reacquainted with an old one. I also had time to attend church, after a long "sabbatical" from church.

At a church retreat to Tioman Island, I got to know some cool new friends. My roommate on the trip was a sweet bearded man - handsome, musically talented, a divorced grandfather from the US who was in Singapore to market his children's educational programme. My travelling companion was a friendly lady who enjoys snorkeling and adventure. We stayed at the Berjaya Beach resort, which had comfortable rooms (with bathtub) and well-equipped facilities. The food was quite good - there was even a BBQ dinner on the first night. I enjoyed a 60 minute detox facial (using clay mask) for RM160.

Last week, I learnt how to cook assam fish with a friend. He brought me to a wet market near his residence to buy the ingredients and then we prepared the dish at his apartment. It was quite a lot of work, but our efforts paid off as we were successful in cooking a tasty assam fish meal.

The messages delivered at Church were uplifting - reminders of who God means to us, and what we have to be thankful for. Many of the youngsters are very talented - one of them is one of 10 tenors in Singapore, another knows 10 different martial arts, and another is the art director of The Necessary Stage. I see a great future in our church - if these talents stay in Church and glorify God with their unique gifts and abilities.

At the time of writing this entry, I am undergoing 2 weeks of in-camp training, doing the most enjoyable activities that could ever be experienced by a national serviceman - swimming in low-chlorine pools, eating delicious glutinous rice balls at the canteen, chilling out in the library and jogging on a nature track. All in the name of serving the nation ... hahaha

Best of all, I have moved on.

17th entry - A trip down memory lane

This is the second day of my breakup with S, and I am more stable emotionally to reminisce the wonderful memories of the past 3 years that we spent together. Regardless of whether S had been sincere or not, in order to preserve the beauty of those memories, I am writing on the assumption that the love we had was real and sincere.

How did we start in the first place? After a few dates, I assessed that S's character is full of good "C" attributes: caring, considerate (thoughtful), careful (meticulous), conscientious, committed, "cultured", calm (he can remain composed even under the most life-threatening circumstances), confident and courageous. He is also pragmatic and down to earth. When S asked me whether we could be a couple, I agreed even though we only knew each other for a relatively short period of time.

S was in many ways a caring lover - in fact he was the best lover I had so far. When I fell ill, he came all the way to visit me (even when I was suffering from chickenpox it did not deter him), and on many other occasions he even brought me dessert soup and herbal tea that he spent hours preparing. Back then, he was staying a good distance from my house - 45 minutes by train to be precise. Everyday he will ask about me, how is my day, did I sleep well, what did I eat... and on weekends when we are supposed to meet he will ask me what I would like to do, etc. Whenever we went dining out, he will ask me what I want to eat, etc. Even when making love, S would ask me whether the position was comfortable, and he was always worried that I would be too tired etc.

I was happiest during the first 6 months of our relationship. I guess it was our "honeymoon" period. We revelled in each other's company, and frequently talked about how we were going to spend the rest of our lives together, with our stuffed animals as our children. We exchanged greeting
cards and love letters, declaring our affection for and devotion to each
other. We shared about our past, and discovered new and exciting things
about each other.

Of course, no relationship is "perfect" without any hiccups. A few weeks
into our relationship, S shouted fiercely at me over a very small matter
that displeased him, and I remembered sobbing the whole night and wishing I
never went over to his place. Being afraid he would know, I went to the
living room and tried unsuccessfully to sleep, but the tears kept rolling
down uncontrollably. Just when I thought he would just continue to sleep
soundly in his room and that the sun would never come up, he found me on
the sofa and urged me to return to the room to sleep. I cant remember how
we patched up after that, but on hindsight this should have prepared me for
more sad moments to come. Love is blind, and I kept giving him chances. One
thing I never learnt to tame was S's explosive hot and quick temper.

There were other happy occasions that made the relationship bearable, but
these were often speckled with bits of unhappiness, which started from a minor matter that caused S displeasure. For instance, whenever we were having a meal together, I would naturally want to pick food for him, but he hated it so much that he would glare at me or shout at me. We never saw eye to eye on anything - either I would relent or he would go along with me. The biggest issue we had was about sex. S initially told me that he could love me without any physical intimacy with me, and that we could have a relationship without sex. Later he told me that actually its because he could not stick to one partner, and he was in fact meeting several other men for sex, and he didnt want to spread any disease to me. He felt that an "open relationship" could work. I disagreed: I could not imagine how we could be emotionally bonded in a relationship and not having any physical intimacy together, and yet having sex with different partners outside of the relationship. It would be no different than a twisted kind of friendship.

S envisioned the scenario that he would be living with a group of friends like this when he grew old, and everyone would take care of each other in a sort of commune. I guess this comes from the fact that he never had a close-knit family, and he was out staying among friends since he was a teenager. On the other hand, I was looking forward to growing old with only one person - my most beloved - holding his hand and looking at each sunrise and sunset while strolling down a beach, washing one another's dentures every morning and night, helping one another to bathe, cooking meals together. The physical intimacy in our youth would serve as a cementing bond between us, together with other little acts of love for each other, done with sincerity and tenderness. With such vast differences in thinking, our separation was inevitable. Perhaps it was best that the inevitable came earlier than later.

On my favourite US TV programme, Boston Legal, a tune that I was familiar with since I was a teenager coindentally surfaced - Que Sera Sera by Doris Day. How apt in my case!

16th entry - Post Mortem

Although I had been through a few failed relationships, this is the first time that I felt the need to "formalise" my internal closure via a "post-mortem" (PM) on the relationship. I'm thinking that it will help me get over the relationship and assess what I have done well and what I can improve. To give a more "objective" view, ideally I should involve my partner, S, in the process of performing the PM but given my knowledge of S, he will think it a complete waste of time. Hence, I decided to target my assessment at the relationship rather than at the persons involved, although at the end of the day it is still a subjective assessment.

As of today, 8 Jun 2009, S and I would have been together for 3 years and 4 months exactly. Technically the breakup took effect on 7 Jun 2009, when he read the "Letter of Termination" that I had emailed to him in the morning. My emotions at this point are that of disappointment, sadness, bitterness, a sense of resignation and regret - these are expected to interfere with my assessment of the relationship.

I will attempt to examine 5 aspects of our relationship in this PM:
1) What I liked about the relationship
2) What I disliked about the relationship
3) What we did well in this relationship
4) What we could improve on in future
5) What lies ahead (immediate and distant future)

My Likes
I enjoyed the healthy shared activities that S and I engaged in together - eating at good food places such as Siam Kitchen and some neighbourhood hawker food; going on bargain hunting shopping sprees e.g. dietary supplement road shows and food fairs; traveling to KL, Bangkok and Phuket; spending weekends watching TV and cooking at home; having weekend getaways at hotels offering promotional rates; and going to spas for facials and massages. S's sharing with me the stories of his travels and life experiences also made me feel happy because I was interested in his past as much as his present and future. I like the time we stayed together in a rented room, battling bed bugs and cockroaches, feeding the landlord's pet chinchillas and observing our monthly anniversaries with small celebrations.

My Dislikes
The relationship was at times emotionally abusive. S has an explosive temper, which he showed from time to time, and liked to raise his voice at me, whenever I did little things that displeased him e.g. picking food for him when we are having lunch together. S often admonishes me for what he perceives to be "foolishness", without bothering about my feelings. S and I differed significantly on many things e.g. from our tastes in food, our taste in clothing, to our perspectives on love and relationships and about life in general. Sometimes I wondered how we could have become a couple in the first place when we were fundamentally so different and incompatible. As a result, we tended to compromise on many things, and this made both of us very unhappy throughout our relationship. I dont know about S, but the only thing that kept me going in spite of our differences and unhappiness was the belief that Love will Conquer All, which I only realise now is a cliche for impractical romantics.

What we did well
I tried my best to be accommodating, understanding and tender towards S. I think S tried his best to be patient, level-headed and caring towards me. I tried means and ways to make our relationship a happier one, by doing little favours for S (especially when he was studying for a course related to his occupation) and giving him little tokens of affection that he told me he appreciated. S also did the same for me. We chatted everyday, although sometimes there was nothing much to talk about or because S didnt feel like sharing (to me). We complimented one another on areas that we were weaker in.

What we could do better
I should learn to listen more and be more attentive to my partner's needs - what is spoken and what is unsaid. I should be more assertive in articulating my views instead of letting my partner lead in the relationship all the time. S should open up and share more candidly with his partner in a way that still shows his love and concern. S should learn to trust and respect his partner more.

In the horizon
In the immediate term, I will still meet up with S over some administrative matters. I will be occupied with work, catching up with friends and spending time engaged in my latest hobbies and distractions. In the longer term, I will be looking for a new partner who is hopefully more compatible and appreciates me more. It will not be an easy search, but I think I shall enjoy the search process more than the end-result. Its been a while since I dated anyone new, and I shall enjoy every moment of my "single and available" status.