32nd entry - Moving in with S (part 2)

A Quiet Argument

Before moving in with S, I thought that the main problem I would have in going through this important phase of our lives was dealing with the difference in the way we did common, everyday things. However, the problem turned out to be emotional and psychological. I discovered that I was emotionally insecure and that I still did not understand S enough. I was over-sensitive to every word that S spoke about me or us and to every action that S did or did not take. Coupled with my lack of understanding of S, misunderstandings would easily arise due to our different perceptions of words spoken and actions take.

One Friday, I went to meet my friends (all of whom were former colleagues) for dinner at Raffles City Burger King. S's own appointment ended around the same time as mine, so S and I arranged to meet at a train station to return home together. I was supposed to meet S inside the rear carriage of our train at one particular train station, but I was accompanying one of my friends until she alighted at her stop (one stop before the one at which I needed to join S) and somehow ended up being near the front of the train instead.

After my friend alighted, I made my way to the back of the train. I found myself having to "Excuse me!" past surprisingly crowded carriages and stepping on unsuspecting toes in the process (not to mention getting dirty looks even after I apologised) until I finally reached the last carriage. In my mind, I was determined to reach S no matter how packed it was; I could not bear the thought of us being on the same train and yet not being able to see each other.

S was standing there, looking somewhat cross. The first thing that S said to me was "I never known of anyone who can be so dumb! There's so much space at the rear carriage but you'd rather choose to squeeze with the rest in the packed carriages in the middle of the train." A few passengers turned and looked at us.

I kept quiet, not looking at S. Two stations passed before I broke the uneasy silence and asked S about something else, but minimising direct eye contact. S sounded a little detached and cold, but that was the usual tone that S adopted with me in public, as though we were ordinary friends. S did not like public displays of affection.

After what seemed like an eternity, we reached our station. S had alighted first and walked on without looking back. At this moment, I just snapped. I walked out of the train by another door and made my way towards the escalator without S. Realising that S did not try to catch up with me, I was even more disappointed and I increased my speed. A few minutes later and S still did not attempt to catch up.

Realising that our little arrangement to return home together became sour, I did not bother to wait for S. I got home first, and started preparing myself for a shower. S arrived shortly, and reproached, "You walked so fast and didnt bother to wait up for me!" S was clueless. Ignoring S, I went ahead to shower (I recalled S saying something like "You carry on and shower first, ok?" but as it seemed superfluous to me I didnt reply). When I finished and returned to the room, I saw S in front of the PC downloading some work.

I composed myself and asked S, "Can I have a word with you?". I tried to be as calm as I could, even though I was hopping mad. S turned towards me and said, "Go ahead, I'm listening."

"Do you remember what you said to me on the train just now?"

"No I cant remember. Why?"

"Ok, then let me refresh your memory." I repeated S's words verbatim.

"So...Anything wrong?" S was totally clueless.

Such is the nature of Anger. It had tormented me for past hour or so and yet the source of Anger was oblivious to my suffering. Then the volcano erupted.

"What were you thinking when you said I was dumb?! Did you mean I was stupid because I didnt know how to differentiate between the front of the train and the rear? Or because you think I enjoyed squeezing with other people in the crowded sections of the train when I knew that the rear was half empty? Did it never cross your mind to ask me why I didnt board the train at the rear carriage where you were standing? Did it never occur to you that I could be held up for whatever reason and could not board the train where we had earlier arranged? Why did you start jumping to your own conclusions before even clarifying with me? And do you know that it was very hurting to be called 'stupid' in public?! Did you akso know how embarrasing it was for me to make my way towards you even though it was crowded? And you know why?! Its all because I was eager to see you quickly, and since we arranged to return home together I made it a perogative to be at where you were standing no matter how crowded the train was!"

I was almost shouting. It was the first time I had raised my voice at S. My fury was uncontrollable at this point.

S looked surprised, but immediately explained in a measured tone, "I'm sorry, if I hurt you it was unintentional. Firstly, I simply thought that under normal circumstances, it would be most odd for someone to squeeze with others in a crowded part of the train, so when I saw you approaching from the crowded sections in front I could not understand the logic of it. Secondly, I did not expect for you to place such great importance on meeting me at the rear carriage when you were unable to board the train there in the first instance. I thought that, like any logical person, you would call and say you were unable to reach me because the train was too crowded. I will be more considerate and sensitive to your feelings in future."

S's calm apology and rational explanation made me feel guilty at having raised my voice earlier. I sat down and contemplated on the source of my Anger. I still felt that I was justified in being angry, but after hearing S's perspective I decided that I was probably being too sensitive and had over-reacted. After all, I thought, it was just a small misunderstanding, and it was pointless making it a bigger issue than it really was.

We chatted on for a while more, and the tension between us gradually dissipated. Through this experience, I think we both discovered that we were so in love with other that our words and actions meant a lot to each other, and that we had to be more sensitive to each other's needs. I also realised that between us, I was more emotionally insecure about our relationship than S was, as I tended to misinterpret certain actions/words that S took/spoke as being indicative of a lack of interest in the relationship.

Fireworks

On 8 Aug we went to the fireworks performance at the Esplanade by the Singapore team. I got home around 6pm, showered, bought dinner and went to meet S at the train station. We took the train bound for City Hall. The train was quite crowded even though we were standing at the first carriage. S commented that watching fireworks might not be a good idea but since I suggested it S was prepared to go along with it. I felt a little sad but yet I was touched that S always thought of me. Actually I only suggested it in case S liked fireworks, and when S agreed to go with me I thought I was right.

After getting past the crowd that was making its way to the Esplanade, we managed to reach the new bridge that I thought would have a good view of the fireworks. Little did we anticipate that a large crowd had already gathered there, and we didnt have much standing space. We got there ahead of time, so we ate our packet of "Rojak" (S's favourite food) or Shrimp-paste Salad (with chopped cucumber, apples, turnip, pineapple and guava and peanuts).

The fireworks finally started around 9pm. It was a spectacular display of sparks of multi-colored bright lights syncronized with music, illuminating the night sky in dazzling plumes. Although it lasted only 15 minutes, we felt it was worth making the trip there. Making our way home was even more challenging than getting there! The crowd was unbelievable. We were so relieved when we finally reached home.

7th Month Anniversary

S and I celebrated our 7th month anniversary on 9th Aug (one day after the actual day) just as the nation celebrated the 41st anniversary of its independence. At dawn I had woken up first, being accustomed to waking early. As I saw S sleeping soundly next to me, I felt an incredible urge to kiss S. Instead, afraid of waking S, I just gazed quietly at S's lovely face, mesmerised by the beauty that I see.

Finally I couldnt resist the urge to kiss S, and in doing so S woke up, yawning and smiling, with eyes still shut. I giggled and cuddled closer to S. We got up to wash up and then back in our room, we started kissing and hugging. In no time we were making love, re-experiencing the strong tenderness and passion that I felt was missing for a while...We cuddled for a while until it was time to get ready for lunch.

S made reservations at the Plaza Market Cafe at Swissotel Stanford and we had a satisfying meal, with a discount! S's favourite was the durian pudding, made with fresh durian, and savoury glutinous rice with mushroom. My pick was the salad, pandan chicken and cakes. We were so full afterwards that when we got home we fell asleep! We only had one meal that day but we enjoyed it tremendously.

During the evening we watched TV in our room. It was a quiet and peaceful evening, and enjoyable because we had each other for company - something that I should cherish and never take for granted. S had told me that Sep would be a busy month and prepared me mentally for a long period of "neglect". In the end we agreed that our weekends (Friday evening to Saturday afternoon) would be reserved for time together.

Different Goals

At the time of writing, S and I were going through different stages of our lives with slightly different priorities. S's career was in transition, and priorities were placed on adjusting to the new challenges in this aspect. To S, moving house and staying with someone was considered to be a less challenging adjustment. On the other hand, it was the first time I had moved out of my "nest" and stayed with my sweetheart. I had placed a greater priority on building the "love factor", as my best friend FK put it.

On top of having different goals, S and I had very different family backgrounds, styles of upbringing and perspectives on relationships. S wanted a mutually independent, loosely tethered relationship where each partner has enough personal space to pursue separate interests and engage in separate activities. My ideal was a shared experience not unlike the typical married couple's where we would be doing many things together, having almost everything in common and engaging in almost all activities together.

The only way I thought our relationship could continue was for me to give up my ideal and accept the form S had suggested, since I didnt want S to compromise (and I bet S would not compromise either, knowing how stubborn S can be). To me, giving up a spurious and naive ideal was a smaller sacrifice than ending the relationship altogether, which would be the typical option in such circumstances (although not for me, at least not at this present moment when I am so in love with S).

I am optimistic and hopeful that our relationship, which has only begun, would continue growing deeper, and that our goals would eventually converge. If two people in a relationship to have different goals for an extended period of time, and neither is willing to compromise, separation would be inevitable. If I need to put my partner's goal before ours, I would do my utmost to help my partner attain the goal, even at the expense of subjugating my own aspiration (provided I do not break the law in the process). I should also not expect my partner to reciprocate. This is what I believe is true Love.

I hope I can do it, all in the name of Love.