5th entry - On Relationships

Some "words of wisdom" that a colleague of mine sent to me that I thought of posting here ... I dont necessarily believe all of it but I guess there is always some truth embedded in these sayings. (Blogger's disclaimer - for everything mentioned here, users are advised to apply discernment and are reminded that they are fully responsible for any action they follow up on.)

TRUST
TRUST is a very important factor for all relationships. When trust is broken, it is the end of the relationship. Lack of trust leads to suspicion, suspicion generates anger, anger causes enmity and enmity may result in separation.
A telephone operator told me that one day she received a phone call. She answered, "Public Utilities Board." There was silence. She repeated, "PUB." There was still no answer. When she was going to cut off the line, she Heard a lady's voice, "Oh, so this is PUB. Sorry, I got the number from my husband's pocket but I do not know whose number it is."
Without mutual trust, just imagine what will happen to the couple if the telephone operator answered with just "hello" instead of "PUB".
(Blogger's view: On a more positive note, I don't think that a relationship will necessarily end when trust is broken. It could mean that parties involved need to re-build the trust, but there could also be deeper issues that may or may not be reconcilable.)

NO POINTING FINGERS
A man asked his father-in-law, "Many people praised you for a successful marriage. Could you please share with me your secret?" The father-in-law answered in a smile, "Never criticize your wife for her shortcomings or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind that because of her shortcomings and weaknesses, she could not find a better husband than you."
We all look forward to being loved and respected. Many people are afraid of losing face. Generally, when a person makes a mistake, he would look around to find a scapegoat to point the finger at. This is the start of a war. We should always remember that when we point one finger at a person, the other four fingers are pointing at ourselves.
If we forgive the others, others will ignore our mistake too.
(Blogger's comment: I doubt very much the last statement. Unforgiveness is something that many people find hard to do; my church raised this issue last week and my congregation was reminded that before we judge others and harbour resentment and unforgiving attitudes towards them, we should consider how God forgave us and offered us a second chance. I try to remind myself that the Lord's prayer includes the verse - "forgive us our sins as we had forgiven those who sinned against us".)

CREATING PERFECT RELATIONSHIPS?
A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage, SDU, and requested "I am looking for a spouse. Please help me to find a suitable one." The SDU officer said, "Your requirements, please." "Oh, good looking, polite, humorous , sporty, knowledgeable, good in singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The officer listened carefully and replied, "I understand you need television."
There is a saying that a perfect match can only be found between a blind wife and a deaf husband, because the blind wife cannot see the faults of the husband and the deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of the wife. Many couples are blind and deaf at the courting stage and dream of perpetual perfect relationship. Unfortunately, when the excitement of love wears off, they wake up and discover that marriage is not a bed of roses. The nightmare begins.
(Blogger's view: I stopped having illusions of a perfect relationship since I broke up with my ex. In my view no relationship between 2 people are perfect - even if 2 people can be perfect, it does not mean that they will have a perfect relationship together. Perhaps both parties can consider maintaining communication about this and work out a consensual arrangement and review the arrangements as necessary.)

NO OVERPOWERING
Many relationships fail because one party tries to overpower another, or demands too much. People in love tend to think that love will conquer all and their spouses will change the bad habits after marriage. Actually, this is not the case. There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that "It is easier to reshape a mountain or a river than a person's character."
It is not easy to change. Thus, having high expectation on changing the spouse character will cause disappointment and unpleasantness.
It would be less painful to change ourselves and lower our expectations.
(Blogger's comment: My parents thought that they could change each other after they got married. As the years went by, their expectations gradually lowered and they become happier with each other. If one party had tried to "dominate" over the other by making unreasonable demands, then I seriously doubt whether the former really loves the latter.)

RIGHT SPEECH
There is a Chinese saying which carries the meaning that "A speech will either prosper or ruin a nation." Many relationships break off because of wrong speech. When a couple is too close with each other, we always forget mutual respect and courtesy. We may say anything without considering if it would hurt the other party.
A friend and her millionaire husband visited their construction site. A worker who wore a helmet saw her and shouted,"Hi, Emily! Remember me? We used to date in the secondary school." On the way home, her millionaire husband teased her, "Luckily you married me. Otherwise you will be the wife of a construction worker." She answered ,"You should appreciate that you married me. Otherwise, he will be the millionaire and not you."
Frequently exchanging these remarks plants the seed for a bad relationship. It's like a broken egg - cannot be reversed.
(Blogger's view: Christians believe that the spoken word is powerful, and we are always reminded to be careful of our tongues - what we say should be used to build others up and not to tear them down. When we find that its easier to use harsh words, it means we need to think about whether we love the person enough to make the extra effort to use a gentler approach. If you really want the person you love to change, saying it in the right way may be more effective and also prevent a relationship from breaking down.)

PERSONAL PERCEPTION
Different people have different perception. One man's meat could be another man's poison.
A couple bought a donkey from the market. On the way home, a boy commented, "Very stupid. Why neither of them ride on the donkey?"Upon hearing that, the husband let the wife ride on the donkey. He walked besides them. Later, an old man saw it and commented, "The husband is the head of family. How can the wife ride on the donkey while the husband is on foot?" Hearing this, the wife quickly got down and let the husband ride on the donkey. Further on the way home, they met an old Lady. She commented, "How can the man ride on the donkey but let the wife walk. He is no gentleman." The husband thus quickly asked the wife to join him on the donkey. Then, they met a young man. He commented, "Poor donkey, how can you hold up the weight of two persons. They are cruel to you." Hearing that, the husband and wife immediately climbed down from the donkey and carried it on their shoulders. It seems to be the only choice left. Later, on a narrow bridge, the donkey was frightened and struggled. They lost their balance and fell into the river. You can never have everyone praise you, nor will everyone condemn you. Never in the past, not at present, and never will be in the future.
Thus, do not be too bothered by others' words if our conscience is clear.
(Blogger's comment: Frankly, I find the story very ridiculous ... I mean, who will be so stupid to carry their a**?! But my point is that people have the right to say what they want to say, yet we also do not need to give them the opportunity to cast us in a negative light, am I right?? haha...) In reality, I suppose we should be discerning about every piece of advice that is dispensed to us, no matter how well-meaning the dispenser's intentions may be.)

BE PATIENT
This is a true story which happened in the States. A man came out of his home to admire his new truck. To his puzzlement, his three-year-old son was happily hammering dents into the shiny paint of the truck. The man ran to his son, knocked him away, hammered the little boy's hands into pulp as punishment. When the father calmed down, he rushed his son to the hospital.
Although the doctor tried desperately to save the crushed bones, he finally had to amputate the fingers from both the boy's hands. When the boy woke up from the surgery & saw his bandaged stubs, he innocently said, "Daddy, I'm sorry about your truck." Then he asked, "but when are my fingers going to grow back?" The father went home & committed suicide.
Think about this story the next time someone steps on your feet or you wish to take revenge. Think first before you lose your patience with someone you love. Trucks can be repaired - Broken bones & hurt feelings often can't. Too often we fail to recognize the difference between the person and the performance. We forget that forgiveness is greater than revenge.
People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever.
(Blogger's view: This brings to mind a "wise saying" I once heard - vows made in storms are forgotten in calms. Anything - whether a promise or a statement - made in haste or negative emotion without due process will usually be regretted later, but often people are too proud to admit their mistakes. This goes back to the point about learning to consider whether we love the person enough to calm ourselves down before using harsh words on our loved one/s.

Blogger's last word -
Personally, I guess a person's character can change, especially given the right combination of external and internal factors i.e. circumstances and determination. However, if one enters into a relationship with another based on the assumption/ expectation that the other will change, then disappointments with the timing of the change and whether such change will even take place may lead to disillusionment and frustration/ unhappiness for both parties, possibly even to a break down in the relationship. Again, communication could be a useful mediator but it is not guaranteed to work against an eventual breakup.