3rd entry - On Friends and Friendship (part 1)

Friends are so important to me that I can't imagine what my life would have been without them. Actually, I think I can, and that's why my friends are more important to me than even myself. There were many moments when I neglected my friends, and I ended up paying a terrible price - loneliness.

I think many of you have experienced loneliness like I have, but I never learnt to deal with it completely. Like Simon and Garfunkel's song "I am a rock", I had tried telling myself that I dont need friends because I can detach myself emotionally from the feeling of loneliness and I can use logical reasoning to detach myself mentally from my state of isolation, but these futile exercised often leave me empty inside. Nothing can ever fill the void that true friendship can. Thankfully I have had the privilege of knowing some wonderful friends, one of whom I had never even met face to face!

I experienced many hits and misses in the process of finding friendship. Making friends has never been easy for me, because I am shy yet prideful, and afraid of being rejected. Initially, I made myself miserable by trying hard to please everyone, which is impossible to achieve. When I took sides, I usually ended up offending someone. it was also very tiresome. And friends I made this way do not stick with you. Sometimes I wonder whether friends I made by trying to please them have even been my real friends at all. Some of you might agree that they probably werent.

Eventually I found that the easiest but also the hardest way to make and keep real friends is to be sincere. It is easy because we only need to treat them the way we want to be treated ourselves. If we dont want to be lied to, we dont lie to our friends. If we want our friends to be dependable, to be there for you when you need them, we have to be dependable and to be there for our friends when they need us. Sounds easy, doesnt it? But this is also the most difficult thing to do.

What does it mean to be sincere, I wonder? One thing is the need to really mean what we say. No lies (white or otherwise), no pretenses, no trying to hide what we really feel (even when it means that telling the truth will hurt the person). Another thing is to put your friends' interests before our own. If your friend needs you, you have to make yourself available even if you must go the extra mile. There is a limit, of course - your friend must understand it if you have certain genuine difficulties. This is not always possible, however, and friendships (like most relationships) can break down when parties involved dont have a shared understanding.

Right now I have some really good friends who I enjoy hanging out with. I am not sure whether they appreciate being named on an open domain, as I need to respect their privacy, so I think I will avoid using real identities. (Dear friends, you know who you are - please forgive me if I have not been successful in hiding your true identities to safeguard your privacy ...:-))

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Three of my friends, JH, AZ and YB, I have known since high school are considered my most treasured friends. Not only do I feel comfortable being with them, but also I enjoy their company tremendously. In high school, they had their own cliques and spent more time with their own circle of friends, but we still had the chance to hang out and have fun together, going to video game arcades and talking about the girls in our class, about our teachers' quirks, about movies and games and all sorts of stuff that caught our facination at the time. Sadly, JH and AZ went to separate junior colleges and YB took a different course from me so even though we were in the same school we didnt see each other as often. In fact, we sort of went our separate ways until we each graduated and started working. The exact circumstances leading up to us eventually meeting up again now seemed rather vague to me, but I think it had something to do with JH getting married. Anyway, we managed to exchange contacts and started regularly meeting up for dinner. They are considered my most treasured friends because we had somehow drifted apart and then somehow drifted back together again. We have made considerable effort to come to this point, and if it were up to me I will never give this special friendship up for anything - they mean a lot to me and I love them. I only wished that I could spend more time with them, celebrate their birthdays with them, and get to understand them, and to be there for them always.

One friend I made more than 5 years ago, D, is considered my most special friend. D is many years my senior, divorced with 4 lovely children, and a wonderful man. And I have never even met him in person! We had met on the internet, and became good friends through exchanging emails. Even though we had never seen each other face to face, our "E-friendship" grew in leaps and bounds because I had confided in him some of my deepest secrets and feelings, and he has also shared with me so much intimate details about his life that I feel that I had known him forever. I think he even knows more about me than all of my other friends! I am not sure if I will ever get to meet him in person but know that if I do, I will want to spend a lot of time with him. In fact, D is a soulmate to me, even though we are separated by different timezones, different cultures and (hehehehe) so many years in between. I consider it my greatest fortune to have known him - so many of my "internet friends" have come and gone but he stuck with me, and I cannot even describe how special he is to me.

One of my friends, CW, who I met in the university is the dearest friend I had who comes from the opposite sex. We attended some courses together in the university and she comes across as being intelligent, sincere and true to herself. I admire CW for having the courage to choose what she wanted to do for a career, even when it meant sacrificing a lot of time and hard work to achieve her goals. I have always admired people who have high aspirations and are self-driven and self-motivated, but who are still down to earth, practical, kind and humble. CW is one such person, and I hope she will realise her ambition one day. If I could I will help her in any way she wanted. Go Girl! you can do it!!! :-)

My best friend - the best of best in fact - is Jesus Christ aka God aka Heavenly Father aka Holy Spirit. So far He is the only one who has seen me through every calamity that I got myself into, brought me out of my darkest times and I know I can trust Him completely and without fear. I know I have betrayed Him and been unfaithful to Him to him upteen times, giving in to my lustful desires and selfishness without even any thought, but yet He has never left me nor forsaken me. Not then, not now, not ever.

There are many other good friends who I will mention in a separate entry. For those I mentioned here, I just want the world to know that I love them very very much indeed! You will always have a special place in my heart. *kiss* *hugs*